Connotation, Definition and ect.

I'll post this on my blog and facebook so that it won't be missed.

So, I have always seemed to have this problem. I like using words that I don't understand. It's been that way since I was very small. Once, after saying something funny as a boy of about 6, a family friend told me: "Josiah, I bet you'll grow up to be a comedian." To which I replied: "But I'm already a Canadian!"

Usually this was only a problem with big words like "discombobulated, penultimate" and my personal favorite: "disraught" (a cross between the word "distraught" and the phrase "what hath thou wrought?") "Fired," although a very short word, seems to be causing me a bit of trouble at the moment. I thought I knew what it meant, but I guess still I misunderstood. I'm good at that.

I should be familiar enough with this problem just from my own friends' slips of phrase. Recently, a friend (who shall remain unnamed) was rather disraught (hee, hee, hee) and said he was wondering: "where do God and I stand?" I was rather shocked.

"Dude, whoa! Are you OK? Do you even know what that means?"

He said that he did, but his definition was most certainly NOT mine. I told him: "Ok, this is what I think of when I hear that phrase. Example, if some girl that I was dating or engaged to or whatever came up to me and said: 'Josiah, where do we stand now,' I would be preparing for the end of the relationship."

My friend was shocked: "No, no, no! That's not what I meant at all!" And then he went on to explain that he was just having a hard time struggling with sin and spiritual depression. Well, who doesn't have a down moment now and then? But doubting your faith in God (which is what I took him to mean) is something else entirely!

So... let me define my terms. I suppose by everyone else's definition, I was not "fired." I was not even a full employee yet. I was still in a three week period of paid training. At the end of those three weeks me and my boss had a little heart to heart. I am a big picture kind of guy, working at a winery requires that one be constantly consumed with the details, making it a full priority. I could not afford to do that. I have enough details in my head with Latin subjunctives and the mitochondria of animal cells. I left on good terms, no hostility, no anger... just a mutual realization that that wasn't where I should have been.

I'm an odd bat. I have strange definitions sometimes. I still think that spring starts in February, summer in May, autumn in August and winter in November. Often... VERY often, I must clarify and correct myself. Thanks for listening.

God bless your weekend,

JSTT

The Rain

Hello old friend

Constant

Steady

Leaving blood-like trails on the dirt stains of a crimson mini-van

Don't leave yet

Stay here

Wash me clean

Wash us all

Wash us all away

I'll rejoice in others' contentment

Just don't leave

Don't Look Away

Sit down on the porch

Ignore the sunset

Ignore the raspberry sorbet bleeding over the grassy knolls

Go ahead

I won't mind

But I can't look away

I can't be blind

I look and look and look

And then I find

What I was searching so long for

But all you've found is something to hate and abhor

Turn away if you must

Burn the fire to dust

To it you will return

But I will move on

Long after you've met your end

I'll be following a tale that will never end

I'll go on

I'll go on

To discover a kingdom that will be the death of me

It will be my salvation

It will be my glory

I wish I could open your eyes so you could see it

But I can't do that

You have to feel it

I'm praying He'll open your eyes

That you'll be freed from all your lies

The damp dark cage you built

The sword you plunged into your chest

Up to the hilt

Pull it out

Wipe off the blood

Get washed away in the flood

Of the world I know

Of the life I see

Of what we could one day be

Yet... Not At All

I could be pretentious

Oh, I could do it oh so well

I could take the blame for all your pain

And tell you I cracked the Liberty Bell

Just hypothesizing

It's so close to justifying

Yet not at all

Steeped it a quagmire of pop culture fizz

I believe this makes me eclectic

Perhaps even eccentric

Yet not at all

I down pounds of processed sugar everyday

I say it's for a reason

The feeling

That I get when I actually ingest healthy food makes it all worth it

Yet not at all

I consume a steady diet of socially acceptable violence

In the form of words and pixels

Socially acceptable being key phrase

Yet not at all

I think that I have something relevant to say

Something that will affect you

Perhaps radically change your perspective on life

What did I say about being pretentious?

Yet not at all

Am I defined by this hopeless quest for self-gratification and validation?

Am I compelled to be this quivering mess of reaching, grasping introspection?

Am I finished?

No, not at all

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow

Praise Him all creatures here below

Praise Him above ye heavenly host

Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost

And that is all

Soapbox

Set the box on the corner

Stand up, a global amphitheater

A podium, a church, a strip bar

The communists and optimists and misogynists congregate

We get together and conjugate

We promote hope and spread the hate

Striving, struggling, talking to no one in particular

Just trying to convince myself that I can change this

Not just myself

I'm wrong

Dead wrong

Dead as a mouse in a trap

Crushed, neck snapped

I can't pull myself up by my laces

No matter if they're my Chucks or my boots

It won't work

And you can't help

Best you can do is want this pill bug roll around in a space vast and great

The harder I try, the more I solidify

Cramping into my shell

My fellow bugs tell me to look up

At the sky, the sun, the birds

The predators and the prey

The April rains the buds of May

The ants and termites tell me how I can be a man

Scream out in my little bug voice

Recognize what I am

Then I can be something else

Once I die

Once I die

Once I die

Then I rise

As long as I direct my words in the correct direction

God, pick up my boot straps

Give me new shoes

Some that were meant for walking

The kind that bring good news

Not the kind that wander into dens and pits and pens

Not the ones that track in trash and muck

I'm stepping down

Off the box

And following someone else

A more in depth introduction to Max Bemis

A Very Short Introduction to Max Bemis

I love Max Bemis. Like bromance kind love... well, more like massive respect kind of love.

I don't know the man personally, but I do know him in that fake way that you feel like you kind of know celebrities... Twitter helps too. Anyway, Max is the lead singer of a band named "Say Anything." I heard about his band some years ago when they released their first album: "...Is a Real Boy." Once I found out that their first single was called "Wow... I Can Get Sexual Too" I was instantly turned off.

So I forgot about them for quite sometime. Years down the road I was listening to a lot of Eisley, a band from Texas composed of three sisters, their brother and a cousin. Their parents are their managers, and they were homeschooled Christians. Plus their music is just really cool.

Well, this past fall, I found out that the girl who plays lead guitar for Eisley married Max Bemis... the lead singer of Say Anything, and the bands were doing a tour together. "Why? Why???" I asked myself. Well, there was only one thing to do... figure out what she could see in a guy like Max Bemis. And I found plenty.

Right now Max is a nominally Messianic Jew, with suppressed bi-polar syndrome. He's a bit nuts. But his new album, "Self-titled," expressed how much he has changed since the release of his first album, "A Real Boy." It's a transition from self-loathing, drug addiction, rage, bitterness and lust to an attitude of thankfulness, penitence, love for his new wife, and the hope he has found in Christ.

What really cemented my respect for him however was an interweb incident that occurred last night that reflected my own missteps on the webernets. A Twitter post by Max took a jab at another band member from New Found Glory. A bit later, Max put up another post that was rather longer (read it here) that explained and apologized for his actions. Apparently one of the members of New Found Glory had written a song taking pot shots at Max's wife. That really sent him over the edge, but he felt like he ought to explain himself and apologize for getting angry in such a public way. Sound familiar?

He seems like one of the few celebrities that wants his fans to keep him accountable for what he does, and wants to explain himself when he does something that he thinks is justified. I want to support someone who does that. Especially someone who does that in the punk rock industry.

Yeah, he still swears... yeah, he's still a little rough around the edges... But wasn't the Apostle Paul?

JSTT

Herrrrmmm....

Perhaps I should retract what I said in my "singleness awareness day" post. Not sure. But for something that was bashing sentimentality... it sure did seem to be full of a lot of "feelings;" which as we all know can get you killed.

Pardon me while I try to figure out what I am trying to say.

Thanks,

JSTT

God Works in Mysterious Ways

God works in mysterious ways. Example? My roommate, Jeff, who is an absolute bike nut is now making jewelry instead of fixing bikes... which he was trying to make money doing at the beginning of this year.

How about me? The movie nut? Yeah, well, again... at the beginning of this academic year that's what I was doing: making movies. But stuff started falling through, and now what am I doing for money? Making wine.

Who would have guessed? The story never turns out like you think it will.

JSTT

Singleness Awareness Day

Valentines Day... is there an apostrophe in there? Well, I submit that there shouldn't be... since it's not Valentine's Day anymore (a holiday remembering the patron saint), it really is "valentines" Day, the day that you go out and get "valentines" plural... not possessive. Who knew you could come up with this huge argument with a simple change in punctuation?

It's raining... raining in the Idaho panhandle. It's snowing everywhere else... I think it might even be snowing in Florida right now. Nothing would surprise me weather wise at this point. Perhaps this is why the official term has been changed from "global warming" to "climate change." Notice that "climate change" is a bad thing. Obama said so in his state of the union address. Also notice what follows from that: not even Obama believes that all change is good. Bush was smart but talked dumb, Obama is dumb but talks smart. Which is more dangerous?

It's raining... depending on the kind of mood I'm in... I quite enjoy rain. Especially right now... at the end of a very, very long week. The roommates are out partying it up. The house is quiet, nothing but the water heater whirring in the background. "Be still and know that I am God." I'll probably take a nap soon. THIS is how to spend a Sunday afternoon.

I have a job... this makes me very happy. It really makes me focus on my school work when I have the time. I think I did pretty well on my science midterm... I've failed my last two. Maybe I can pull my average grade up from a C to a B this quarter. You never know. Last year 3rd quarter proved to be the best.

Already making summer plans... my long lost roommate, Russell invited me up to his place this August for Warped Tour. I went last year, but it was a total bore going alone. Rocking out with a friend is always so much more fun. As for the rest of this summer? Who knows? Well... God does. He always has. I keep thinking He doesn't. How silly of me. As me and my college friends often say in instant message speak: *headdesk*

Singleness awareness day... I think I won't even celebrate it when I'm married. That will be a tough one to spring on the wife. "Sorry dear, I don't believe in Valentines Day." I think I have a legitimate excuse though. Paul makes it very clear in his letters to the churches around the world that they ought not do anything that would make a weaker brother to stumble. I think our famous American red holiday does just that. Let me explain... no, there is too much...... let me sum up:

I was very prone to... seeking others' affections while in middle school, high school... and to some extent even now. I consider myself one of the afore mentioned "weaker brothers." Valentines Day always bothered me, it put pressures on me that needn't have been there. So, even when I am no longer single... I will nullify "valentines" day in my household.

Romans 14:5-6 "One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. He who regards one day as special, does so to the Lord. He who eats meat, eats to the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who abstains, does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God."

I'm fully convinced in my own mind, and I will not celebrate "valentines" day unto the Lord.

In Christ,

JSTT

Apology II

Well, that was interesting…

So, the thing about who I am and the modern invention of the webernet is that you all get to see the good and the bad. I think that on a fundamental level that’s important. But I don’t want you all to get the wrong idea.

For all those who may read this that I don’t know, I’m not a guy that just randomly flies off the handle at 8^th century monks. In retrospect, a line from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix comes to mind: “I just get so angry all the time!” That’s how I was feeling the other day. But as Sirius Black responds to Harry as he is wondering he is really evil, he comes very close to quoting Batman: “It’s is what we do that defines us.” (for the record, this is VERY characteristic of me, quoting movies to get my point across.)

I want what I do to have meaning and purpose. I want to really get angry about stuff sometimes, but not arbitrarily. I want to let people know what I am passionate about, but taking it out on monks that many people have never heard of before is just not how to do it.

As a little aside, I really want to get my motto tattooed on my right forearm. Just three words: “Truth With Love.” If nothing else, I want to have the reminder emblazoned upon my skin, so that everytime I see it, it will become engraven in my soul. Now that I think on it… THAT is what I am most passionate about! “Truth with love.” There is so much in the Scriptures that I want to convey and tell others, and there is so much hate spreading through the modern American church. It’s either tolerance or passivism. (I’m not saying that this is EVERYONE, but by and large it is the norm.) The two camps of love and truth are seemingly engaged in an endless war. But they are not mutually exclusive. Nor should you only have one or the other. If you are all fire and brimstone, no one will listen to the truth you have. And if you are all sappy, sweet mush… you have no truth to speak to those that are listening.

So that is more likely something I should swear about… not old British monks. Please forgive me. Which causes are worth fighting for the kingdom? I’m still working on that one. Please bear with me as I learn what hills are worth dying on.

Many thanks,

JSTT

Playlist of the Week 2010 #6

-"Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" - Muse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrBNfXIBqu4

-"Skin and Bones" - Motion City Soundtrack http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJFYGtUOVwY

-"The Breakfast Song" - Annie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=giggj5rQbBc

-"Perfect Situation" - Weezer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgR-l3fhygw

-"World Behind Your Wall" - Tokio Hotel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlLkscjDWsA&feature=channel

-"Have Faith In Me" - A Day to Remember http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YSkdpqJQlc

-"The Last Song" - The All-American Rejects http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJB2vgyBvlw

New Frontier

Ok... so there are a lot of things that scare me about having a job. Let's start with the fact that I have not had a job in about 2 years since I left Virginia Beach Alcohol Beverage Control back in 2008 when I moved down to NC and then out to college. That's right... I have not had a job in 2 years. I suppose this reflects on the grace of God, as I have not HAD to have a job to support myself. But the time came this year for me to enter the working world. It wasn't a new year's resolution or anything like that (although, 2010 DOES begin and new chapter and new story), but it was more the fact that I am almost 21, and have no real work experience.

That brings me to the next thing that scares me about having a job: I haven't HAD a real job before! I've "worked," yes... but not regular kind of normal person job. Well, I did do the classic mow your lawn, watch the mentally insane 3 year old boy jobs. (Andrew was crazy, and I loved him for it. But that's a story for another time.) But after that, I decided to work at a place called River Ranch Retreat Ranch (I kid you not), more commonly referred to as "Triple R Ranch," perhaps because it was less harsh on the ears and sensibilities. It was a Christian summer camp, the kids that attended it were not. I babysat 12 prepubescent boys for a week at a time for 4 weeks with the help of another college aged guy. It was... fun?

My next job was as an underage buyer for Alcohol Beverage Control (ABC). My dad found that job for me; to this day I don't know how he dug it up. Perhaps he will comment on this post and enlighten us all. Basically, I had to fill out several reams of paper (as it was a government job), and then sit in for training at a police station. Once I was hired my job consisted of going around, trying to buy alcohol from any place that would sell it, with two armed police officers trailing me. We were all undercover, so if the establishment handled themselves well, asked for my ID and refused to sell to me, we walked out and no one was the wiser. If you sold to me however, the officers would immediately walk up to you, tell you what you did, tell the manager what you did and then tell the state what you did. Then they'd arrest you, which I learned working this job does NOT actually mean that you get put in cuffs. It just means... well, I'm not sure anymore. But anyway, you were caught red handed and you would have to show up at court. (I got to tag along as a witness when we did catch someone.) Usually anyone we busted would either get a 500 dollar fine, community service or some kind of combination of the two.

There are so many tales I could tell about that job: the time an ABC agent got called in to do a drug bust in this pink polo. How the agents would try to make me look as young as possible so I wouldn't get sold to; cuz if I did, they'd be stuck with miles of paper work. How often Food Lion sold me alcohol. How we had to drive through the projects... the list goes on.

The next "job" I had was as an actor and creative person in a local film company. Never saw a dime of profit... but I think we gained capital in other areas. The relationships forged were always the big focus for me. We made a movie that still isn't finished, and the company kind of blew up at the end of last year... but I don't regret any of it. Sometimes an adventure is worth taking just for the fun of it.

Back to the new job:

Another thing that kind of bothers me is that I am not good with liquids, and I am going to be working at a winery... During high school I joked with my friends that I had a drinking problem. (Not alcoholic drinking problem... but that leads into reason 3.) The insident that I remember specifically was when I was at a party at my best friend's house. I had a big glass of Sprite in my hand, and was standing behind the couch where some of our other friends were playing Nintendo. Then, inexplicably, I kind of drop, kind of throw my fizzy drink of goodness all over my friend's couch. We laughed it off afterwards, but that still didn't alleviate my drinking problem. How bad am I going to be around wine bottles all day??

Of course, although I will be soon, I am not yet 21. Obviously that means I cannot be a taster at the winery. I can see myself now:

"Sir, what wine would you recommend?"

"Ummm... That one!"

"Oh? How is it??"

"Good... we make it."

"What's it taste like?"

"No idea..."

Even more than that, I am a full time student, at the school with the craziest work load this side of the Mississippi. I have already had to tell my teacher I won't be able to make one of my classes on Monday. Now, I have just found out that my new work schedule directly conflicts with two of my finals in about 4 weeks.

But the biggest one? Taxes, taxes, taxes... *twitch, twitch* I think the federal government is trying to drive us mad or something. Everytime I see a W-4 form I start to have minor heart attacks.

But you know what? I just realized... all this (although amusing perhaps) is worry. Clearly a sin in the Bible. God saw fit to grant me a job. I am immensely thankful for it. Do I want God to take away the gift that He just gave me? No. I'll practice being thankful instead of bothered.

Cheers, and have a blessed Sabbath!

JSTT

Follow the String

I'm running trying to catch up as things change
As things die
As people move in and out
As we lie
It's like reaching for an ice cream cone only to have it fall upon the pavement
It's like trying to climb the stairs to the attic, then falling into the basement
I keep coming up with abstractions that don't do reality justice
Bang the gavel, send me away, lock me up so I won't write anymore angsty metaphors
But even from my cell, I see the world keep moving
The changing of the guard reflects something deeper
Something larger at stake
It's telling me that we made a mistake
I clutch the string and follow it to the end
It takes me to an unexpected destination
I thought it was saving me from damnation
I thought I was running from what I feared
Only to find that I am right back where I began
Except everything is different
Perhaps it's only that I was wrong...
Again
Awash in a sea of pretty faces, taking notes, staring into space, longing for better places
Longing for something else
Longing for a local where we'll never change again
Cuz there'll be no need
We'll already be perfect

Playlist of the week 2010 #5

- BT - "These Hopeful Machines" http://www.myspace.com/btnetwork

Just listen to the whole album... yes, all two hours of it. I highly doubt that you will regret it. This is the best album I have heard in a looooooooong time. And I listen to lots of music!

Cheers!
JSTT

Rain

If there is one thing that I miss about the northwest... it is water. Really big water. There is so much contained in water. I think often times that it is the closest thing we have to a perfect metaphor for God. It is essential. It is powerful. It is everywhere. We die without it. We can be killed with it in a million different equally horrifying ways. We love it. We are terrified by it.

So now, out here in Idaho there is so little of it. We get bits of it in snow, but for some reason that just isn't good enough for me. I want more. I want oceans of the stuff. Torrential down pours. Endless waves pounding a rhythmic time upon the shore. Hurricanes even!

But here there is none of that. Not rain, not storm, not sea. I feel kind of like I am drying up.

My brain quotes pithy sayings in retort to my complaints. "Grow where you're planted."

Am I looking for the wrong kind of water? Am I neglecting the water of my baptism? The water of the Spirit? Where is it? Have I hidden it deep in my heart? In the deep crevices, that nothing can penetrate? Have I buried the water of hope and love and peace so deep that I am actually having trouble drinking from the well?

Dear Lord, I can't dig anymore. I am parched, I am longing for something more than a pill to get me through the day. I need something that lasts... forever. You've given it to me already, but I keep losing it. Totally my fault. I seem to be so horrible at water retention. Plug up the holes, please God. I don't want to leak anymore. Keep me filled with your grace, and the pure joy that comes not of circumstances... but of You.

Amen
&
Amen!

JSTT