FEED ME! (Becoming an Adventurer Part I)

I spend a lot of time in video stores. I have probably spent hours upon hours in them; perhaps even as much time as a stay at home parent might spend at their local grocery store. This never struck me as abnormal until a day ago.

After 3 fun filled weeks with family and friends, the last week of my winter break was upon me and my family had all but returned to their everyday routine. Dad was back at work, the girls were headed out of town and my mom and her own dad were headed on a short holiday to DC. For the first time in 3 whole weeks I was going to be on my own again. Naturally I didn’t want to spend the majority of the next 48 hours alone in a big empty house, so I hit the town.

In between lunch and heading to a movie theater, I stopped in an FYE (For Your Entertainment). It is one of the largest I have ever been in, and I used to frequent it when I was a permanent fixture of the Hampton Roads area. Upon walking in I stopped and felt suddenly overwhelmed. It might have been that I was tired, or maybe I have just been hypersensitive about entertainment lately; but for whatever reason, when I walked in the door, I lost all desire to look for individual items, whether they were movies, music or video games. I was suddenly looking at the store as a whole, and all I could say was:

“Why?”

Why do we need stores that have as large a variety of movies as we do of food? In fact, there was probably a larger variety of sitcoms on DVD in that store than there are kinds of produce at the Farm Fresh around the corner.

Dizziness overwhelmed me as I realized that I had been part of this. I suck in movies often without thinking. Sure, I keep up a veneer of holiness to hide how much I am consuming, but that is something akin to a man who is 200 pounds overweight telling you that he only eats so much because he wants to tell you what kinds of food are good. He is not a cook, he is not demonstrating that he has actually learned anything about good food or how to make it… only that he enjoys eating and he does it with disregard to how it is effecting him.

The scary thing is that in America the way food and movies are sold and consumed is not so different anymore. A shiny, glossy cover can make a tidy little profit whether it’s carrots or Caddyshack. People buy Ho Hos and porn for the same reason… they taste good, even if they both make you feel like you want to vomit an hour after consumption. What is scarier is that an HBO show can now become “critically acclaimed” simply by containing gratuitous amounts of violence and sex, causing it be suddenly be “edgy” and/or “gritty,” even though underneath all that it is just another soap opera. This has already begun to bleed over into the world of food, with foods that are absolutely crap for you to eat getting actual stickers that proclaim that they have received awards like “BEST TASTING” or “CHIEFS’ CHOICE AWARD.” Yes… things are getting that ridiculous.

Just today I was returning some things to a Best Buy around the corner from me and got suckered into that very “ooh! Shiny!” syndrome that we all fall into so easily in the internet age. Do I not know that Satan is the Prince of Light? Do I not know that covers deceive? “That sin looks so hot!” one might say. And Mark Driscoll might retort: “Yeah… but so is hell.”

Anyway, I had all this money from the returns, so my consumeristic self decided that I show blow the money immediately. On what? Is always the next question. Well, it was new release Tuesday. (Yes, I am so consumed with my need for new stuff that I know that in the USA new movies, music and books are always released on Tuesdays.) The new HBO show Boardwalk Empire had just been released on DVD and a free preview of the show Game of Thrones came with it for a limited time. The covers looked pretty, Steve Buscemi was in it, it had won 8 Emmys. It must be good… right? RIGHT?

Well, I bought it and took it home, only to look up the content rating in IMDB. The show was filled with foul language… more than most R rated movies contain, full frontal nudity (male and female), and buckets of blood and brain bashing. On an HBO show? No way? You’ve gotta be joking! (/sarcasm)

I promptly went back and returned the DVD set and got the movie Moon instead, which I had actually been looking for for months and which was nowhere near an impulse buy. It still might have been better had I simply returned Boardwalk Empire and walked right out of the store, but there you have it.

And now I’m sitting here still thinking, “Why? Why has this been so important to me? How on earth did I let my standards drop so much? I almost exposed myself to… ick.”

And then I think a little bit more and I realize that I have been living vicariously through storytellers… like many of my peers have. We are too afraid to have our own adventures, so we watch other peoples’. And suddenly I come to a simple and yet monumental conclusion: it is time for me to have my own adventure.

Bubba Ho-Tep

MPAA rating: R for some violence, uses of the “f” word, and some awkward moments
Canadian rating: 14A
My rating: ****1/2 out of *****
Style: ****
Writing: *****
Awkward parts: ****
Message: *****




JFK and Elvis didn’t die. JFK just went through massive plastic surgeries and is now black and has a brain made of “mostly sand.” Elvis switched places with a guy named Sebastian Haff, one of his impersonators, only to have the real Haff who was then pretending to be Elvis die of drug overdose. Anyway, for some reason JFK and Elvis end up in the same nursing home in the middle of nowhere Mud Creek, Texas. Not only that, but there is a crazy, redneck, cowboy boot wearin’ mummy on the loose. No, this is not one of those movies I would have just picked up on my own; no matter how much you may think me the type.

The story starts with Elvis’ roommate dying and the man’s daughter coming to collect his things. She picks up her father’s Purple Heart and old photos of him coming back from war and is about to throw them away, when Elvis asks if he can have them. She shrugs and hands them over… they mean nothing to her. As she leaves, Elvis asks: why? Why didn’t she take better care of him?

“I didn’t have the money to,” she explains halfheartedly.

“You coulda visited. They don’t charge for that,” Elvis quips.

“Don’t lecture me.”

The whole movie switches between totally nutso craziness and this hard-hitting commentary on how we treat our elders as easily as turn it’s head from left to right. It just… works. It works really well. I felt horrified by the mummy and by our culture’s abuse of the elderly at the same time. I suddenly wanted to go treasure hunting with and/or visit a nursing home.

Another large theme of the film is how Elvis and JFK wish they had been better to their families and been more honorable in their lives. When the mummy shows up, they are given a chance to redeem themselves and take the adventure that they both craved, but never had. This is mostly manifested through Elvis’ long narration speeches about how he wished he had treated his family right.

(SPOILER ALERT)

Finally, the grand finale comes about at the perfect time. JFK has deduced that the nursing home is the perfect place for mummy to haunt, because it needs to eat souls to survive, and “no one would care if a few more elders dropped off.” So Elvis and JFK grab their walker and wheelchair respectively, a big tank of propane, some matches and go off to kick some undead.

The mummy chokes JFK to death, but doesn’t get his soul. Then in an awesome scene, Elvis rams the mummy and blowtorches him to smithereens. But before the end, the mummy deals some serious damage to Elvis, who is left by the creek looking back on all that has happened.

“He didn’t get my soul. I’ve still got my soul. It’s all mine,” Elvis sighs, relived. Finally he looks up at the sky, and for some reason the stars align and spell out the only thing Elvis needs to hear:

“All is well.”

“Thank ya… thank ya very mu…”

All is well; your soul is intact. How often do we need to hear those very words? I know this is a strange film to find the message of “well done, my good and faithful servant.” But that’s what I heard. Those are the words I long to hear when my life is coming to an end and I am looking back on all of my adventures. And I am so glad that some films find them worth saying as well.

Hay un amigo en mi!

Ok, so with the release of every movie now-a-days there is the release of the movie soundtrack. Toy Story 3's soundtrack just came out, and you will never believe what they did with it:

Rapid Heart Beat

Things are happening so quickly. I have only one week left in North Carolina, then I'm headed back to Cleveland... and then Idaho. This month has gone by like a flash. Detailing all the little things that happen would be nigh impossible... so I will do what I do best: give you bullet points. This will also give you, the reader, the sense that things and ideas are flying by extremely fast. So, in the end, we both win. I get to be lazy, and still achieve the effect I desire in my writing. Not that this is a good habit to get into.

-Getting called in for jury duty a week before you leave a town and never intend to return... at least not for a long, long time. Go ahead North Carolina, put out a warrant for my arrest! (I am totally kidding by the way. I just submitted my reason for absence to the judge. I have no desire to be held in contempt of the court.)

-If your mother is having miniature heart attacks... clean the house. This will do wonders for her nerves and will most likely cure all her ills. Hugs on top of this are always a plus.

-I have found yet another avenue to explore in the realm of career options: greeting card writer. Not only will I be the perfect man for the job after finished school, (anyone want Plato references in their thank you cards?) but the headquarters of American Greetings is in Cleveland of all places! Booyah!

-Greenstorm Film is starting back up again in full force. After completing and releasing a rather spiffy music video and receiving many accolades about said video, I received a script from a very good friend of mine. Who was it? What is it? I will say no more. I'll leave you in suspense.

Ok, there's a doctor's appointment I have to get to.
Cheers and laterness and stuff,
JSTT

Hidden Treasures

It is one of great joys in life to dig up bits and pieces of odds and ends and bits and bobs. Conjunctions for example.

But in all seriousness. I find it very gratifying to introduce someone to a piece of art or fiction, and to watch them fall in love with it. A good example of this recently was introducing my friend Jeremy to the comic books series "Scott Pilgrim." It is a very hard comic to describe, but I have heard others describe it thus: as a cross between Say Anything (the movie, not the band), Kill Bill and Mario. I would also add in every anime you've ever seen, and a healthy helping of Street Fighter.

More recently, Scott Pilgrim has been turned into a film by Edger Wright, the renowned British director behind "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz." He is not the only one working on it however, so is Bill Pope... the cinematographer for not only The Matrix films, but all of the Spider-Man trilogy. I am extremely excited about this one. If you aren't enthused yet, watch the new trailer:

I'll be back with more on character sketches and comics soon. In the mean time enjoy the trailer!

JSTT

Epic Adventures

So, I think that this should become a regular series, as crazy things are happening to me more and more often. The car flip, getting run over by a crazy Irishman at a punk rock concert, etc... But more often than not, these adventures take place with some very special friends of mine: Noah Allsup, Pete Nyhus and Gary Stedman.

Anyway, I decided that since we got this Good Friday off, we should go see a movie. I invited basically everyone that I knew in town... Pete, Gary and Noah were the only three that gave me a positive response. Yes, you all missed out on our epic adventure. Think on your sins.

Which movie, you ask? "How to Train Your Dragon." I mentioned it earlier, horrible title... and now I can say from personal experience: totally cool movie.

Problem: it's not playing in our town. The local theater is closed for remodeling, and the theater in the next state (which conveniently is only 4 miles away) decided to oust Dragon so that they could begin playing the remake of "Clash of the Titans," which appears to be the exact opposite of Dragon, super cool title, hopelessly lame movie. But as one of my friends mentioned after seeing the trailer for it said: "That looks really ridiculous... but I feel that as a man... I have to see it." Ah yes, American culture defines gender lines again!!!! Hazzah!!! But I digress...

So after sleeping in and missing breakfast, I call Gary. Pete. is. asleep. I would have been too if it wasn't for my overreactive sense of.... I have no idea what I'm taking about. Let's fast-forward a bit.

We're driving to Lewiston (the only theater for about 57.3 miles around playing the film), only to have it start snowing on the way there. Yes, snowing. It is April 2.... and it is snowing. Did I mention that it was SNOWING?????

But we are in luck, as Lewiston is about 1000 ft closer to sea level than Moscow is. Taking the switchbacks down the mountain side the snow quickly turns to slush and then to rain. When we finally reach the bottom, it's as if we've entered an entirely different hemisphere.

The movie itself was great. Tons of fun, even if you don't see it in 3D. The music, the effects... the acting even. Sometimes I forgot that I was watching pixels and not real people. That is the true mark of a talented director, he can turn ANY medium and create something beautiful out of it. Finally, a Gerard Butler movie that is... um.... kid friendly!! Anyway, if you can forgive the title, I highly recommend it to all of you from about 5 to 93.

We stop at a hole in the wall burger place called Sharp's Burgers... only found in Lewiston/Clarkston, where we proceeded to just stand in front of the counter, staring at the menu and freaking out the management.

"So, are we just going to stand here being awkward?"
Pete: "You can. I am going to stand here and be awesome."
Noah: "Wait.... what???"
Gary: "Well, I'm going to order something."
Josiah: "Wait a second. You can buy a HALIBUT?!?!?"

The restaurant was where most of the following quote and what-not came about. There seems to be something explosive combustible about putting the four of us in the same room. (Welcome to the club for redundancy club.) Pete, Noah, and I are all extremely loud, Gary, although he doesn't say much, usually laughs in approval at our jokes. Noah usually plays the bothered, offended yet jovial hot-head. "You have got to be KIDDING MEEEEE!!!!!"
Pete... Pete's kind of like his comic foil, telling non-sequiturs as if they were the most common thing in the world, and spouting nonsense as if it were fact. I play the straight man... the one who usually instigates the awkward, odd, and sometimes hilarious conversation topics. Gary is our laugh track.

But as we ascended out of the Snake River valley, nothing could have prepared us for what lay ahead. The fields at the top of the gorge were almost completely white! The yellow sign posts were frozen over, looking like something you might find on a movie poster with the tag line: "When hell freezes over!"

At that point, Gary decided to crack a joke: "It's like God's saying: 'Now it's spring time... oops. NOT!!!!"

My friends are awesome.
JSTT



Quotes:
-Josiah (reading a sign): "It's scout cookie season: March 11th to April... something."
-Pete: "That would explain the dancing cookies"

(arguing about taking school work into a movie theater)
Gary: "You know, when I they were first fighting the dragons, all I could think of was 'hey, he is surviving their attacks by using induction."
Noah (staring at Gary in disbelief): "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! It's a HOLIDAY!!!!"
Gary: "What? You brought Darwin along."
Noah: "Yes, but I left him in the CAAARRRR!!!!"
Pete: "It would have been funny to take him into the movie theater. 'I don't understand this. Could you tell me what's going on? Wait, they're dragons. How do you explain THAT you bearded kook!!!"

God Works in Mysterious Ways

God works in mysterious ways. Example? My roommate, Jeff, who is an absolute bike nut is now making jewelry instead of fixing bikes... which he was trying to make money doing at the beginning of this year.

How about me? The movie nut? Yeah, well, again... at the beginning of this academic year that's what I was doing: making movies. But stuff started falling through, and now what am I doing for money? Making wine.

Who would have guessed? The story never turns out like you think it will.

JSTT

I didn't know they made movies like that anymore

This is an overview/review/my comments on the movie Book of Eli.

WARNING! MAJOR PLOT SPOILERS TO FOLLOW!


Envision this conversation:

Upstanding Hollywood Director: "Hey, I've got this great idea for a movie!"
Warner Brothers: "OK, what is it?"
UHD: "Well, the whole movie takes place in post-apocalyptic America. So basically the whole thing looks like the wild west."
WB: "I like it so far."
UHD: "And there's this guy see, and he is traveling west, he's not sure were exactly, carrying the last copy of the Bible on earth with him."
WB: "I love it! How much do you need?"
UHD: "About $80 million. Oh... and can we have Denzel Washington star as the protagonist?"
WB: "Of course!"

Can you picture it? Neither can I. But something to that effect happened. And now the Hughes brothers' film is roaming around theaters worldwide. Last movie they made was called From Hell. It was released 9 years ago and was about Jack the Ripper. What on earth happened between then and now? I have no clue, but whatever it is, I am grateful for it.

The movie starts simple enough. Denzel Washington is walking across the desert in slow motion, exuding pure coolness. He has a shot gun, a pistol, a backpack, an ipod and what we soon learn is a Bible. Soon enough his ipod runs out of juice and he runs out of water. Nothing for it but to enter the nearest town western style. Denzel finds ipod fix it man, Denzel finds pretty girl, Denzel finds trouble, Denzel finds evil Gary Oldman. Oldman wants to recruit Denzel. He has and eye for talent, and Oldman needs a bit more muscle to keep a hold of his town.

Denzel: "No can do."
Oldman: "Well, at least stay the night."

Denzel isn't given an option. In the middle of the night, Oldman, in an attempt to convince Denzel to stay, sends his daughter (Mila Kunis) to show him a... pleasurable evening. Little does he know Denzel is a man of God. Denzel teaches Mila to pray instead. Mila prays in front of Dad. Big no, no. Now Oldman wants the book.

Denzel: "What book?"

Denzel runs off into the desert. Mila goes with. Oldman chases. Denzel and Mila run into cannibals. They turn out to be nice cannibals. Oldman and co. show up and kill cannibals. Lots of shooting. Oldman gets Mila. "GIVE ME THE BOOK OR I'LL SHOOT HER!" Denzel gives him the book, Oldman shoots Denzel.

The end. Nice bleak, pessemistic ending. Religion doesn't solve problems, it causes them. Right?

Wrong.

Mila hijacks bad guys' car. Blows another one up. Runs off back to Denzel's body. Oldman gives up the chase. He has what he wants. Now he can twist Scripture and use it for his own purposes. Mila finds Denzel up and walking, still heading west. He gets in the car and they finally make it to San Fransisco and to Alcatraz, where another group of survivors are holed up.

Oldman makes it back to town, only to discover that the Bible he has is all in Braille. Denzel is blind. The film ends with Denzel, his wounds washed, dressed in white, dictating the Bible to a scribe, dictating the Scriptures that he has spent the past 30 years reading. And Oldman, dying of his wounds, looking at a Bible he can't read, watching his "kingdom" fall apart. Denzel is entering heaven. Oldman is entering hell.

God will preserve His Scripture and His people, no matter the circumstances. No matter the odds. No matter the cost. He will continue His work, and He WILL complete it!

God will...

Amen!

JSTT