FEED ME! (Becoming an Adventurer Part I)

I spend a lot of time in video stores. I have probably spent hours upon hours in them; perhaps even as much time as a stay at home parent might spend at their local grocery store. This never struck me as abnormal until a day ago.

After 3 fun filled weeks with family and friends, the last week of my winter break was upon me and my family had all but returned to their everyday routine. Dad was back at work, the girls were headed out of town and my mom and her own dad were headed on a short holiday to DC. For the first time in 3 whole weeks I was going to be on my own again. Naturally I didn’t want to spend the majority of the next 48 hours alone in a big empty house, so I hit the town.

In between lunch and heading to a movie theater, I stopped in an FYE (For Your Entertainment). It is one of the largest I have ever been in, and I used to frequent it when I was a permanent fixture of the Hampton Roads area. Upon walking in I stopped and felt suddenly overwhelmed. It might have been that I was tired, or maybe I have just been hypersensitive about entertainment lately; but for whatever reason, when I walked in the door, I lost all desire to look for individual items, whether they were movies, music or video games. I was suddenly looking at the store as a whole, and all I could say was:

“Why?”

Why do we need stores that have as large a variety of movies as we do of food? In fact, there was probably a larger variety of sitcoms on DVD in that store than there are kinds of produce at the Farm Fresh around the corner.

Dizziness overwhelmed me as I realized that I had been part of this. I suck in movies often without thinking. Sure, I keep up a veneer of holiness to hide how much I am consuming, but that is something akin to a man who is 200 pounds overweight telling you that he only eats so much because he wants to tell you what kinds of food are good. He is not a cook, he is not demonstrating that he has actually learned anything about good food or how to make it… only that he enjoys eating and he does it with disregard to how it is effecting him.

The scary thing is that in America the way food and movies are sold and consumed is not so different anymore. A shiny, glossy cover can make a tidy little profit whether it’s carrots or Caddyshack. People buy Ho Hos and porn for the same reason… they taste good, even if they both make you feel like you want to vomit an hour after consumption. What is scarier is that an HBO show can now become “critically acclaimed” simply by containing gratuitous amounts of violence and sex, causing it be suddenly be “edgy” and/or “gritty,” even though underneath all that it is just another soap opera. This has already begun to bleed over into the world of food, with foods that are absolutely crap for you to eat getting actual stickers that proclaim that they have received awards like “BEST TASTING” or “CHIEFS’ CHOICE AWARD.” Yes… things are getting that ridiculous.

Just today I was returning some things to a Best Buy around the corner from me and got suckered into that very “ooh! Shiny!” syndrome that we all fall into so easily in the internet age. Do I not know that Satan is the Prince of Light? Do I not know that covers deceive? “That sin looks so hot!” one might say. And Mark Driscoll might retort: “Yeah… but so is hell.”

Anyway, I had all this money from the returns, so my consumeristic self decided that I show blow the money immediately. On what? Is always the next question. Well, it was new release Tuesday. (Yes, I am so consumed with my need for new stuff that I know that in the USA new movies, music and books are always released on Tuesdays.) The new HBO show Boardwalk Empire had just been released on DVD and a free preview of the show Game of Thrones came with it for a limited time. The covers looked pretty, Steve Buscemi was in it, it had won 8 Emmys. It must be good… right? RIGHT?

Well, I bought it and took it home, only to look up the content rating in IMDB. The show was filled with foul language… more than most R rated movies contain, full frontal nudity (male and female), and buckets of blood and brain bashing. On an HBO show? No way? You’ve gotta be joking! (/sarcasm)

I promptly went back and returned the DVD set and got the movie Moon instead, which I had actually been looking for for months and which was nowhere near an impulse buy. It still might have been better had I simply returned Boardwalk Empire and walked right out of the store, but there you have it.

And now I’m sitting here still thinking, “Why? Why has this been so important to me? How on earth did I let my standards drop so much? I almost exposed myself to… ick.”

And then I think a little bit more and I realize that I have been living vicariously through storytellers… like many of my peers have. We are too afraid to have our own adventures, so we watch other peoples’. And suddenly I come to a simple and yet monumental conclusion: it is time for me to have my own adventure.

Missing the Obvious

Sometimes I'm not the only one who is extremely moronic. To be sure, I have shown my stupid stripes on many an occasion, but every once in a great while, I am outdone. And boy is it beautiful!

As most of you know (and if you didn't, now you do) I turned 21 about a month ago. I've been enjoying the tastes of stout, hard cider and other things ever since. Anyway, I was walking around the grocery store the other day looking for milk and something for dinner, when I noticed an amber ale called "Shock Top." The label intrigued me, so I picked up a case to look at more closely. Wonder or wonders, it was a CITRUS ale! I am a nut for orange juice and all other kinds of citrus things, so I immediately took the case over to the counter.

The lady checking me out (and yes, I know how creepy that sounds), was one of those ladies who calls anyone even remotely younger that she is "darling." So after she had rung up all my quote/unquote "normal" items, I was assaulted with "May I see your I.D., darling?" I grimaced and handed over my drivers license.

Now, for some reason my North Carolina driver's license confuses the heck out most Idahoans. It makes their heads kind of explode and leaves them going: "ddaaaahhhdududududdaaaaa" for about 15 seconds before I explain how it works. After watching her stumble over my identification for a few moments, I pointed out the big red box right by the picture that says:

"TURNS 21 ON JUNE 4, 2010"

It's in kinda big letters, and hard to miss if you're really looking. Anyway, she finally decided that I really WAS old enough to buy beer, and punched in my birthday.

Now, there is something else that you must know about buying alcohol from grocery stores: it's pretty much a fail proof system. There is no way that the computer will let you sell to a minor. You have to deliberately screw with the system to sell to someone under 21: give the computer a false date, disable the "WILL NOT SELL TO MINOR" system, or something very similar. If you do that, in my opinion, you DESERVE to get caught.

Anyway, she punched in my birthday, and the computer says it won't sell to me and cancels the whole transaction. "HA! Now you can't buy milk EITHER!" I almost hear the computer laugh manically. The lady looks at my I.D., at the computer and then back at me. "This is weird."

She punches the date into the computer two more times with the same result. Then she calls over one of the girls working in the same section of the store and has her punch it in. Same thing. They start laughing and wondering what the heck is going on. At this point, someone walks up to the counter and asks: "Can I get some help over here?"

The lady who first tried to take my order looks over and says sarcastically: "No, sorry."

At first I was a little shocked, but then when the other women who was asking for help said: "Wow, service here SUCKS!" I looked a little closer and noticed that they were sisters. I breathed a little sigh of relief. I had no desire to be the cause of contention among Safeway staff and customers.

Finally, the lady got fed up with the whole thing and just punched in her birthday. I made a joke to let the women behind the counter know that I was in no way put out by the whole ordeal, and headed out to my car.

Suddenly, as I was unlocking the great red behemoth, it struck me: they had been putting in the wrong date the entire time! The text on my I.D. had said, "turns 21 on June 4, 2010." So like any lazy human who doesn't want to think too hard, they put the date into the computer... the date that they had read: 06/04/2010. Of course, the computer, smarter than your average human, had said: "No WAY I'm selling to a 1 month old! How the heck is he even trying to buy groceries?!?"

I laughed all the way home, taking comfort in the thought that I am not the only one who makes dumb mistakes like that.

JSTT

Epic Adventures

So, I think that this should become a regular series, as crazy things are happening to me more and more often. The car flip, getting run over by a crazy Irishman at a punk rock concert, etc... But more often than not, these adventures take place with some very special friends of mine: Noah Allsup, Pete Nyhus and Gary Stedman.

Anyway, I decided that since we got this Good Friday off, we should go see a movie. I invited basically everyone that I knew in town... Pete, Gary and Noah were the only three that gave me a positive response. Yes, you all missed out on our epic adventure. Think on your sins.

Which movie, you ask? "How to Train Your Dragon." I mentioned it earlier, horrible title... and now I can say from personal experience: totally cool movie.

Problem: it's not playing in our town. The local theater is closed for remodeling, and the theater in the next state (which conveniently is only 4 miles away) decided to oust Dragon so that they could begin playing the remake of "Clash of the Titans," which appears to be the exact opposite of Dragon, super cool title, hopelessly lame movie. But as one of my friends mentioned after seeing the trailer for it said: "That looks really ridiculous... but I feel that as a man... I have to see it." Ah yes, American culture defines gender lines again!!!! Hazzah!!! But I digress...

So after sleeping in and missing breakfast, I call Gary. Pete. is. asleep. I would have been too if it wasn't for my overreactive sense of.... I have no idea what I'm taking about. Let's fast-forward a bit.

We're driving to Lewiston (the only theater for about 57.3 miles around playing the film), only to have it start snowing on the way there. Yes, snowing. It is April 2.... and it is snowing. Did I mention that it was SNOWING?????

But we are in luck, as Lewiston is about 1000 ft closer to sea level than Moscow is. Taking the switchbacks down the mountain side the snow quickly turns to slush and then to rain. When we finally reach the bottom, it's as if we've entered an entirely different hemisphere.

The movie itself was great. Tons of fun, even if you don't see it in 3D. The music, the effects... the acting even. Sometimes I forgot that I was watching pixels and not real people. That is the true mark of a talented director, he can turn ANY medium and create something beautiful out of it. Finally, a Gerard Butler movie that is... um.... kid friendly!! Anyway, if you can forgive the title, I highly recommend it to all of you from about 5 to 93.

We stop at a hole in the wall burger place called Sharp's Burgers... only found in Lewiston/Clarkston, where we proceeded to just stand in front of the counter, staring at the menu and freaking out the management.

"So, are we just going to stand here being awkward?"
Pete: "You can. I am going to stand here and be awesome."
Noah: "Wait.... what???"
Gary: "Well, I'm going to order something."
Josiah: "Wait a second. You can buy a HALIBUT?!?!?"

The restaurant was where most of the following quote and what-not came about. There seems to be something explosive combustible about putting the four of us in the same room. (Welcome to the club for redundancy club.) Pete, Noah, and I are all extremely loud, Gary, although he doesn't say much, usually laughs in approval at our jokes. Noah usually plays the bothered, offended yet jovial hot-head. "You have got to be KIDDING MEEEEE!!!!!"
Pete... Pete's kind of like his comic foil, telling non-sequiturs as if they were the most common thing in the world, and spouting nonsense as if it were fact. I play the straight man... the one who usually instigates the awkward, odd, and sometimes hilarious conversation topics. Gary is our laugh track.

But as we ascended out of the Snake River valley, nothing could have prepared us for what lay ahead. The fields at the top of the gorge were almost completely white! The yellow sign posts were frozen over, looking like something you might find on a movie poster with the tag line: "When hell freezes over!"

At that point, Gary decided to crack a joke: "It's like God's saying: 'Now it's spring time... oops. NOT!!!!"

My friends are awesome.
JSTT



Quotes:
-Josiah (reading a sign): "It's scout cookie season: March 11th to April... something."
-Pete: "That would explain the dancing cookies"

(arguing about taking school work into a movie theater)
Gary: "You know, when I they were first fighting the dragons, all I could think of was 'hey, he is surviving their attacks by using induction."
Noah (staring at Gary in disbelief): "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! It's a HOLIDAY!!!!"
Gary: "What? You brought Darwin along."
Noah: "Yes, but I left him in the CAAARRRR!!!!"
Pete: "It would have been funny to take him into the movie theater. 'I don't understand this. Could you tell me what's going on? Wait, they're dragons. How do you explain THAT you bearded kook!!!"

Welcome to Nerdsville

We have our own language. We really do. If any of you sane folk walked into our movie watching parties, you would probably walk right back out. "They're speaking Klingon! I swear!" Of course, there is no need for swearing; that is entirely inappropriate in this instance.

Things like: "He would get along really well with Hal 9000!" To which I respond: "Oh, you just wait an see." "Those models remind me of Star Wars." "Why do people keep falling apart in movies this year?" "That was TOTALLY like Alien!" "2009 was recorded as having the most vomiting in movies for any given year."

It's not like we care. We're... fellowshipping. I think that is one of those things that people often miss, especially with nerdy guys. We are having a blast. This is how we interact. We actually make memories that we will remember years from now. Case and point: I still remember making fun of "Babette's Feast" and the vampire olives. That was over a year ago. Still a fond memory.

So next time you see a bunch of us walking around, talking gibberish, don't pity us, don't laugh at us. Laugh WITH us! Or perhaps... pity yourself, and that fact that you don't have friends that will laugh with you. I'm blessed. I wouldn't see it any other way.

Sincerely,
JSTT

Update & LOL @ Obama

The Favorite Albums of All Time post has now been completed.








And here's a little tidbit for your enjoyment and edification (funny bit is at the 4:48 minute mark):



Have a great weekend!
JSTT

Start Up The Drums Again

Start up the drums again
Murder back on track
It's time to hit the sack
All that's black is back
Start up the drums again
I got mugged by a kid named Jack
The breadwinner got off track
The band is back, Mac attack
Start up the drums again
Let's stay away from crack
I'm not cutting you any slack
Cuz we're getting back on track
Start up the drums again
Seems I haven't lost the knack
For shooting you in the back
Hold on while I get a snack
Start up the drums again
I'm a duck, quack quack quack
I'm going to try a different tack
I'm going to mount you on a plaque
Start up the drums again
I'm getting out my bags to pack
I'm letting you fall through the cracks
I'm making up for what I lack
Start up the drums again

My, my, my...

It has been some time, has it not? There are many questions to be answered: What? (eating burnt grilled cheese and nursing a Mountain Dew.) Where? (Back for another round at New Saint Andrews.) Why? (Because it sounded like another adventure.)

Yes, the tales will be coming. The heads will be rolling. And suddenly I have realized that I am much more like Luther than Calvin. (More on that another time).

I do not know who reads this or why... but the world awaits. And I have a feeling that one or two would like to hear what I have to say about it. Cocky? I hope not. Amused? Perhaps.

Let the stories begin again.

JSTT